The Wait. *Weight.

I like to use this blog to vent....fairly often. But I feel like not too many people read it so that makes it even better and therefore it's like my own personal therapist. This post is honest but let's be real...that's who I am. It also shows a little of my usually non-existent pesimistic side

So. Here I am 16 ish weeks postpartum and still 20 lbs heavier than I'd like to be. I gained a total of 45 or so pounds during pregnancy. I know what you're thinking - 45 isn't all that bad. Right? Ugh. Not when you're used to weighing next to nothing. I mean, I am grateful and appreciative that my body was able to create a life and bring into this world what I consider the greatest blessing I have ever been granted. I know it could be way worse and don't get me wrong. I looooove my daughter and don't bring her into this weight equation or blame her (as I've heard some moms do - which is insane) whatsoever. I was ready to let go of the body and image I had before trying to conceive, and I knew that. I knew what it would take. I knew I would gain weight and I knew I could trust my husband to make me feel confident and beyond beautiful - because after all, he is absolutely the best husband of all time.

However. When my picture is taken, unless I take it myself, I feel like I almost don't recognize myself because of how big I look majority of the time. I don't feel like I look like that in the mirror and Adam is always reassuring me but then I find myself comparing my body to other mamas with babies out there who look incredible and I can't help it sometimes! I'd like to think they are all doing the same exact thing that I am - and they, along with myself, are strong, confident women. The thing is, they've probably worked their asses off to get to where they are image-wise, I'm assuming but I'm just over here mind blown at how new moms find the means to get themselves to a gym (I'm talking new as in mamas who have newborn to 6 month old babies). By means, I'm talking about time, energy, focus, babysitter, and not to mention living where I do with the nearest gym down the highway further than I'd like to haul myself and my child to. Seriously, do you know what packing up a kid takes to get somewhere? I have to add an extra 45 minutes to my walking out the door time.

I know, I know: excuses, excuses. But when you're baby isn't sleeping through the night and your day is so busy that you've learned to skip napping or feel too unproductive if you do decide to take a nap, then you'd understand where I'm coming from. 

On top of pictures and social media comparisons that are likely to upset any new momma that's full of hormones, there's the pre-pregnancy jeans. Ahhh. The haunting. I was a size 0-2 and now I can hardly fit into a size 9/10. That may be the toughest part for me. I've definitely kept all of those jeans just for motivation, plus I might have one of the funnest collection of jeans that I've established over the years hah. This is also where comparison comes in, which I'm not actually obsessing over as much as I may come off as but I see all these moms putting on those pre-preggo jeans and I am just itching for what has already seemed like a century until I can do that too.

Yes. I know I'm only (almost) 4 months postpartum but I don't care. It's still hard.

Moral of the story - it sucks being out of touch with yourself, no matter how deep (or not) it runs. I believe that when I look good, I feel good, I know that's vain and I am by no means cocky or into myself nor am I overwhelmingly self-conscious. I'm all about those Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn quotes. You know the ones about being and feeling beautiful from the inside out: a little lipstick goes a long way, less is more, some days require champagne (or possibly a whole bottle of wine hahaha), etc. etc.

My major goal in life is to be happy, so when I'm happy with myself, I'm happy all around.

Even though I'm feeling on the not-so-skinny side these days, I'm still happy and I know one day I'll get back to my normal self. For now, I'm just going to enjoy this baby girl and hope that there are other mamas out there who are in the same boat going through the same stuff I am. Because man, it is hard sometimes. But again, this is alllll just a vent. I'm not fishing for compliments or needing some crazy encouragement or anything like that. Purely just needed to throw a fit :)